Donald Miller writes a quick piece on his blog that challenges us to be better people by working on our character rather than working on how we want people to perceive us.

http://donmilleris.com/2011/06/21/be-quietly-incredible/

Maybe this is why:

“Most Christians lead a treadmill life — a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him. All they know is that God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone.” -Streams in the Desert

I’m sorry to say that a treadmill seems to be an accurate depiction of my relationship with Christ right now. I’ve stopped dreaming. I’ve stopped moving forward… because I’ve stopped trusting? Yes. I’ve become satisfied in my dissatisfaction, but it’s become comfortable and familiar.

I miss being a part of something bigger. Until the past few years, there’s always been something to throw my time, energy, and effort into that produces something of intangible value, or at least has the ability to produce something intangibly valuable.

As a child, everything is “something bigger” as you follow your parents’ guidance through a vast world waiting to be explored. By the time you get to middle school, you’re starting to discover who you are and want to become, along with your social tendencies and social life. High school is a time where you establish who you are among your peers –  and talk endlessly about what the world could possibly hold in store beyond graduation – College, sports, relationships, travel, and the list goes on and on. The world seemed to become even bigger and your natural instinct is to explore; there’s never a question about being motivated to explore, rather the question is always “what” should you explore next?

For me it was going to Bible school in the heart of South Dallas.I dove in head first, committing myself to try out different groups, clubs, events, social activities, etc. A year into it I’d cultivated several solid friendships, been to another continent for the first time, and even became somewhat of a bookworm for the first time in my life.

Then it all came to a halt. There are many reasons for this, but I won’t explain right now. It comes down to this: I made a person my new world. Following a phenomenal first year of Bible school came a lonely, dull summer. To recoup all the momentum I lost from the school break, I dove into a relationship. It was an amazing feeling to care so deeply about someone, yet extremely detrimental. The relationship ran its course and long story short my new world had failed me… and I was devastated. A wreck. Lost. Confused. Depressed.

It’s been a slow, steady climb out of it all, and for the first time in years I feel a part of something bigger again, and it moves me. The funny thing is that I can’t pinpoint what it is… rather it is a combination of factors: People involved in my life (relationship building), the unity of a large group working together to accomplish a goal, which is to see God move in peoples’ lives. It couldn’t feel better. But I know soon this period may end and I will be searching for what to turn to next…

Starting a blog isn’t easy. Especially one about faith where the goal is to convey my own spiritual life on paper… er, computer screen. Since this is my first blog on this site, I guess I’ll start off with where I am at this point in time. 

Someone, a few years back, likened my relationship with God to bungee jumping. I didn’t know how to take it back then, but as time passes the metaphor is making more and more sense. Sometimes I’m near to God, sometimes I’m far. My relationship moves along in spurts. For days I’ll be high, then for weeks I’ll be low. The explanation for this is simple: I’m very melancholy. I do not fall into routine, and routine does not fall into me. My emotions are anything but steady. At times I feel a lot but say little, other times I’ll feel little but say a lot, or any other combination you can come up with. Pick almost any set of antonyms from the dictionary and chances are I’ve fulfilled both… with ease. I think you get my point. 

Tonight I feel close to God. Actually the past few days have been full of contentment because I’m in tune with Him, and in tune with myself. (Maybe those two ideas are an m&m pack; you can’t have one without the other… maybe not). However, I know soon I will find myself yanked by the gravity of emotions, life, and being human, toward earth, the bungee increasing in length and tension as I nose dive. Again, I will find myself uncertain, insecure, and discontent. 

I realize that Truth supersedes emotion, but that’s tough to believe when one’s emotions are reeling,causing one to act out in ways that don’t show any signs of living by faith. But the thing about a bungee chord is that the other end is always pulling back. I don’t think God ever lets go. It’s a different story if we untie the harness from our feet, but I don’t want to get into that. 

I guess tonight, for the first time, I’m wondering if it’s okay for my only constant to be inconsistency. It seems like a retarded concept, but what if my best is being very near to God at times but being distant at other moments? Can this be considered a true relationship? If not, what is the solution? It is my goal to find where God is leading me on this journey. I don’t want a 3 step guide to being a better, more consistent, less controversial Christian. I’d rather put one foot in front of the other as God leads, no matter how many “steps” it takes. Truth is I’ll never get “there” anyway, not on this earth. We’ve all heard it quoted over and over that the point of this life is the journey, not the destination. While it makes sense, I can’t say that I’ve really grasped this concept. 

I’m sorry this post is lengthy, I do not intend for this to be the norm on this site. However, I hope some of you can find something in here to relate to. Maybe you feel like you’ve been tethered to God your whole life as well, or perhaps you’ve been a consistent medium and you’d love to feel a little movement in your faith. Maybe the idea of God is absurd to you. That’s okay too. I don’t admit to knowing anything for certain, but I do know that we all put faith in something. Whatever the case, the point is for us all to be in this together, to share with and encourage each other. Leave a comment and express yourself. We all have something to learn from one another.

Mike